Monday, November 16, 2009

Gettin back to it....

Greetings again from Honduras. I am sure many of you are noticing I haven’t blogged in a while. For the past month I haven’t been in Honduras…I’ve been in Washington DC.

Well what happened? This is tough to write, but I think there is importance in sharing this. Things were going along in Honduras and quickly I began a slippery slope of sliding into dark times. I was emotionally all over the place my anxiety was through the roof, and I didn’t know where to turn. I have a history of anxiety but it had never got this bad. My pride told me that I could deal with it all myself. We all have the shadow in our lives and the little monsters that we shove away into the closet of our minds past. Well, after long, they want to get out.

With not much distraction, and a lot of alone time, those little monsters came out screaming, and I didn’t know where to turn. Some people turn to booze, some to drugs, but I wouldn’t let myself medicate with any of those. I was just trying to deal with it but things only got worse. Upon talking to Peace Corps in the States, they invited me up to Washington DC, to figure things out.

My time in DC was eye opening. And after a lot of thinking and breakthroughs, I returned back to here to Honduras with a new mindset. So why am I telling everyone this? I am writing this because I want to give you my open reality. I don’t want to hide anything from my experience.

My whole plan was to return to Honduras and act as if I had never left, not telling friends in Honduras or even my family. I think part of it was a little shame. But I was only continuing to hide my situation from those closest to me thus extending my condition. What I found from the people I cared about most is not shame or disappointment, but loving support and words of strength to get me back on my feet. Those who love you are the rock, the team you need to support you. They continue to show you love even when you don’t love yourself.

I discovered some things back here in the states and will continue this process. I found that those little monsters and the shadow will always be there. It is in the coming to terms with it, and with acceptance that this is part of me that starts the healing process. We look at that dark room and those monsters and we get terrified of walking through it, of dealing with it. But it is the fear that holds us captive. Walking through that room is easier than we think, we just need that first step that takes us to the other side.

So I am back today, here to Honduras, with a different mindset and different goals. I have a long way to go. I return with a different plan, a new found self-respect, and the energy to really go for what I want out of my experience. I also have the acceptance that whatever will happen will happen and I just need to live in the now.

I wrote this blog to get off my chest the difficult reality that this service has sometimes brought. It has been a deeply personal time for me but I wanted to share with you this much. By addressing the things that held me back and swallowing my pride I was able to seek what I was looking for. It’s a nice feeling on the other side.

…Until next time

2 comments:

  1. The dark side is in all of us as you say, the difference is we all do not handle it as you did.Stength to look at the issue and turn it into a positive is hard for many of us. You have look and turn the page to keep such faith is Big, but then you have always lookedat the glass as half full and figured out how to fill it. I'm proud of you Brian life is a constent test which we must take ourselves to a level that is unconfotable, but we must take it to make it

    Love your Blog
    mike lemos

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  2. bryan - best of luck and we missed you!

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